A JOURNEY INTO THE NETHERWORLD
We begin our journey by traveling to the Clinton International airport and entering the black hole known as “Long Term Parking”.
After circling the parking lot for indeterminate period of time, we found a very nice parking spot that could only be described as, in the same zip code.
This of course, required a less than scenic walk of over 1/4 mile to the terminal. Given my affinity for BACK SPASMS, brought on principally BY WALKING, this little perk, from my standpoint, was unnecessary.
Once in the terminal we decided to have a snack in one of the fine stop & slop restaurants there. After ordering a tasty looking dish that we discovered had been dead way to long, we decided to proceed to the departure gate.
This of course requires that you enter the realm of the dreaded SECURITY GUYS.
For those who have never had the pleasure of this experience suffice it to say that a prerequisite for these employees is a devout hatred for those entering their domain and the clear and present desire to abuse any power with which they have been entrusted.
However, after stripping to the waist and completely unpacking our luggage, yes, that’s right, we were selected to go through a [COMPLETE SECURITY CHECK]. Yes, while several Middle Eastern gentlemen went through totally uncontested, we were all but molested. No profiling here huh?
We proceeded to board our flight on time and are on our way. Our flight arrives in Atlanta on time at the most northern gate of the terminal and we are proceeding to our departure gate. All is well.
I must say that this little walk was quite lengthy but we knew of course, that our gate was south of us. It was quite easy to find actually, we arrived there when we ran out of TERMINAL.
With our departure time only one hour away, we felt that everything was going just fine, so we found seats in the waiting area and decided to just relax. We were quite fortunate to discover that we were located directly across from a nice couple from Tunisia, traveling with their beautiful children.
It goes without saying, they spoke no English at all, which made the tremendous amount of noise they made even more enjoyable. We discussed this, and are certain that they were direct descendants of Attila the Hun, on the noisy side of the family.
So, after two hours of enjoying our Tunisian friends we expected to board our plane and continue our adventure.
Did I mention that this flight to Rome was the first direct flight of the tourist season? Frankly, it was news to me also until an airline employee happened to mention it to my wife, who is a flight attendant.
It seems that the first flight is the one by which all others would be measured? It’s what is known as, a SHAKE DOWN flight. It’s used to identify all the little problems that the route has to offer. In essence, we were a 400 mph guinea pig. But with preparation being a premium for this flight we felt quite confident that all would go well.
Maybe Not!
Boarding time came, and went. We were advised that the aircraft was broke and another would have to be prepared for our flight. It was amazing that this took only three additional hours, and the extended time with our Tunisian friends was much appreciated.
ON OUR WAY!
We were immediately upgraded to first class where the food and service was excellent. We could see directly into the cockpit which was quite a treat for me in particular. I watched closely as the crew went through the pre-flight check list. The professional way they beat the crap out of the instrument panel immediately before take-off, was a rare view of the technical expertise of our pilots.
The flight to Rome went quite well actually, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention that a high school drama class was on board. The conduct of this class was quite good actually. The Teacher? Not so much! Though seated in economy her incessant whining was easily heard throughout the aircraft.
Without doubt she was born to be a Drama teacher/queen, a fact that seemed not lost on the flight crew who, after only three hours and multiple attempts to control her, actually ask her if she’d like to consider taking another airline home. Her behavior being unchecked she was finally escorted to a seat in another area of the aircraft.
We were unsure of where this area might be located, but the words, CARGO HOLD came to mind. Our personal choice however, would have required quite a free fall and swimwear.
Rome at last, Rome at last, Thank God Almighty, Rome at last.
Our Rome adventure began with our very first Italian cabby. She of course spoke no English, and as we discovered, was not remotely interested in learning any. We were lucky in that she was very determined to find our hotel. We know this because no matter how long she drove or how many times we circled Rome she did not give up, and only 50 euros later we did finally arrive at our hotel.
Our room was wonderful, located on the top floor, with a picturesque balcony that afforded a beautiful view of the city. We took photos of the Coliseum and many other wonderful sites, right from that balcony.
Our Hotel is owned by a fantastic family and has been in existence for more than 100 years. Each night, you are seated in a small dining room with other guests and fed traditional Italian food in a warm and charming family atmosphere.
Our very first meal was an experience. The food was, amazing. We were seated next to a very nice gentleman named Winfred Hammond, (no relation to Reggie), from Ghana.
Winfred spoke impeccable English and was extremely well-educated, but there was just something I couldn’t put my finger on.
My conversation with him was quite enjoyable however, especially after learning that he’d given up cannibalism in favor of more traditional Italian cuisine. (At least for now!).
Winfred also told us that he would be running for President of Ghana in the next election and was extremely interested in American agriculture in
It was the only thing we had in common, and the very last thing I wanted to waste vacation on. But he was so insistent that, in the interest of international relations, I completely wasted three hours of vacation talking about, the very reason I needed a vacation, FARMING!
The guy seemed OK, but still, that feeling. You know the one. Like when you gotta go, real bad. Ya just wanna get done with it. Yes, that one.
Date: 3-2-12
Our first full day in Rome went quite well actually.The sites are simply unbelievable.
Though we took pictures of the exterior of Coliseum, when attempted to enter we found that the line was over half way around it, a distance of over ¼ quarter mile which quickly became a deal-breaker.
I do not deal well with any kind of lines, especially long lines.
No matter, we’re flexible. We decided to take one of many open-topped buses and tour the city.
One particular bus caught our eye due to its’ apparent cleanliness and bright colors. We immediately bought tickets, but were somewhat disappointed to find that it left before we were able to board. “No problem,’ the ticket agent said, ‘another will arrive within 15 minutes.”
MAYBE NOT!
While all other buses arrived and left every 15 minutes, ours seemed to take a little longer, but after only an hour and 15 minutes of fighting off Indian (not the kind with feathers) vendors, we were on our way.
If you ever decide to vacation in Rome, these buses are a wonderful venue by which to see the city. These things even provide you with ear phones from which you can listen to recordings interpreted into any language imaginable describing all the wonderful sites as you drive by. Hopefully, yours will contain an English-speaking guide, ours however, did not, imagine that. Oh well, I guess it’s not so important to know what you are taking pictures of during your once in a lifetime trip.
Another nice feature of these buses is that you can get on or off at any of its’ many stops and re board when the next one comes by, which by their estimate, would be every 15 minutes. Think I might just stay on board…..
We decided to get off at a stop very near the Vatican, which like the Coliseum, we were especially interested in gaining access to. The beauty of the architecture is legendary and we wanted pictures.
Our first priority however was to find a restroom. It is simply amazing to me, that in a city of millions, there are so few restrooms.
After spotting an establishment that looked restroom worthy, we hurriedly walked the 300 yards, [at least it was down hill] and inquired as to its’ availability. A very nice little Italian lady managed to inform us that she had no restroom for public use and pointed toward the one place that did have one.
We were so pleased to find that it was located no more than 50 feet from where we initially disembarked from our tour bus. An additional source of enjoyment was the NOW UPHILL 300 yard trek while tightly holding my knees together.
We decide to have a cup of wonderful Italian coffee while there, and ordered one for each of us. We were served this coffee in cups that resembled two helmets from the soldiers in “Toy Story”.
This however did not dampen our enthusiasm, no, that happened only after tasting it.
It was a carefully blended mixture of something resembling motor oil (used) with the fragrant remnants of a day at the zoo. The good news is that it cost only 8 euro each which is approximately $20 U.S. currency. What a deal for a cup of 100 proof discarded petro-chemicals huh?
On to the Vatican! The court-yard is huge with beautiful buildings on both sides and breath-taking fountains located throughout. We took many pictures of not only the sites, but of the melting pot of people in the crowded court-yard.
I could hardly wait to see the interior of the Vatican, and immediately decided to get in line. Imagine our surprise however to find that the line, which began of course at the Vatican door, ended somewhere in the Holy Land. Oh well, we aren’t catholic.
After more pictures we decided to board the next tour bus back to the Coliseum, after all, it was only a scenic fifteen minute ride. We had, however, failed to factor in the unknown 45 minute wait at the next stop.
It seems that this particular stop is located at the PUBLIC TRANSIT STATION. This is quite handy for tours actually. It stands to reason that those passengers will need transportation to some other unknown destination doesn’t it?
So, as a matter of policy I suspect, the tour drivers must wait until the bus is full before proceeding. At least, ours did. We were puzzled that so few people were interested in touring from that location.
No matter, we had the distinct pleasure of viewing the entrance to the subway system while waiting. We now know what law enforcement has been trying to figure out for years, this is definitely where serial killers come from. Even worse, a lady was sharing her ice cream with her dog! Or was it the other way around? She wasn’t very attractive.
Finally, back at the Coliseum! Since unable to tour the interior earlier we were determined to gain entry and elated to see only 8 people in line. Yes, we were in luck!
Not so much!
As we approached the gate we noticed a heated argument ensuing between the policeman selling tickets, and the couple directly in front of us. It seems the tiff was centered around the fact that, the coliseum was closed for the day. I gotta tell ya, if there hadn’t been a couple in front of us, we would have felt somewhat, unlucky. No problem, we’ll return tomorrow. Not gonna rain on our parade!
Our decision to return to the hotel for dinner seemed plausible, until further analysis and risk assessment that is. Uncertain whether Winfred had fallen off the wagon, it just seemed the prudent thing to do was dine out.
So once again we were at the mercy of a Roman cabby. This time however, we felt quite lucky in that he only charged us 10 euros for the trip to a highly recommended restaurant. Our faith in humanity was restored. I must say that our meal was simply wonderful, and the atmosphere, perfect. The dining experience was easily worth the time.
We were even treated to a free Lemon Liqueur made famous in Italy. This drink is, well, shall we say “not sweet”. It will, without doubt, draw up any loose skin on your body. We think it may be used as an alternative to cosmetic surgery or maybe even a treatment for hemorrhoids.
From here we decided Trevi Fountain was our next stop.
Trevi Fountain has some historical value I suppose, and it was quite beautiful, but in America it’s called a WATERFALL.
In this particular instance, it would be called a VERY SMALL WATERFALL.
I’m not so sure about the good luck thing, however. You see we caught another cabby to return to the hotel.
Maybe I’m wrong, but since Trevi Fountain is actually closer to the hotel than the restaurant at which we’d dined, shouldn’t the cab fare be less? Guess maybe it was uphill huh? But still, 25 euros seemed a bit much for a 8 minute ride.
Date: 3-3-12 On to the Sorrento and our initial experience with Italy’s trains.
The railway system in Italy provides you with several options. There are 3 trains available to virtually any destination, and at virtually any time you want to go there. Sounds pretty good doesn’t it?
One is a super-fast train offered at a super high price, and had only a few stops.
Another is a medium fast train that has a few more stops, but at price that is somewhat less.
The third option is a much slower train with many more stops and other non-perks determined way to late.
Using our collective intelligence we reasoned that the third option would be much better for sightseeing, and at a much lower price, it was a win win all the way around.
DOOR NUMBER THREE!
Our only previous experience with trains in Europe, had been in Switzerland, where the trains were clean, comfortable, and user-friendly. Suffice it to say that Italian trains do not maintain the same standards. However we did feel somewhat safer knowing that falling in the aisle was highly unlikely since (it was not possible to fall with your feet permanently stuck to the floor). They were sooo dirty and sticky that when you tried to walk it made this sickly sucking noise.
The floor was done in early Elmer’s Glue aftermath, and the interior was finished in a deep Chia Pet blue.The more I think about it, I believe it entirely possible that it may have actually been mold.
Oh well, we’re quite excited about the scenery to Sorrento. After only 20 stops at villages (all of which resembled the aftermath of Hiroshima) we arrived at Naples.
When disembarking I noticed a large information board, the top of which displayed the words, “BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS.” But we weren’t worried since the passengers arriving with us were probably all murderers or terrorist anyway.
America is so lucky to have Italy as an ally. Their ability to compromise is uncanny. For instance, the train station in Naples is a two level facility and, it turns out, there’s a hidden reason for that.
We arrived on the lower level to a sea of potential criminality. Seriously! These people even felt evil. Don’t worry however, they were safe, there wasn’t a policeman to be found anyway.
Arriving at the upper level we found the exact opposite venue. If fact, tripping over a cop would have been easy to do. It was impossible to look in any direction, without seeing either police, or armed forces personnel.
I asked a local vendor about phenomenon and found the logic to brilliant.
The lower level belongs to the pickpockets, and the upper level belongs to the police.
Yes, compromise in Italy is alive and well. If you don’t believe me, take the train to Naples, the one that arrives on the lower level, oh, and wear lots of jewelry.
Our enthusiasm was undaunted however, we were on our last leg to Sorrento!
After a mere 30 additional stops, we realized that scenery along this route was even less appealing than that of the first leg of our ride, and were elated to arrive in Sorrento.
Even though Italian cabby’s were not the highlight of our trip so far, we were quite fortunate to find a good one here. His name was Bruno. Seriously! If you have seen the movie “The Godfather” with Marlon Brando and Al Pacino, you may remember a character named Lucca Bracci.
In the movie this character was a hit man for Don Corleone and later stabbed through the hand at a bar. Not only was he huge in stature, his head looked much like a basketball with ears.
Well, Bruno could have been his twin brother. As you will see later in our story Bruno may have been the highlight of our trip.
If I wasn’t so old I’d kick myself in the butt for not getting a real picture of this guy..
LUGGAGE???
I would be remiss if I failed to tell you of a wonderful new way to handle luggage. It’s especially designed for those who have health issues, such as back problems, like me. It’s now possible to ship your luggage anywhere in the world and avoid the physical stress of lugging it in and out of airports, putting it into overhead bins, and worrying that it will be lost by the airlines.
We all know that once luggage is checked, it’s a crap shoot as to whether it will ever be seen again. We searched the internet and found a company named “Lugless.” Since we found no bad reviews about these guys, I just knew that this was the company for us.
Our accommodations were at the Hotel Bristol which is picturesquely located on a mountain just outside of Sorrento.
It is a “Five Star” hotel that should be a “10 Star hotel.” It was simply magnificent..
The 
antiques, paintings and beautiful glass fixtures in the huge lobby were simply awe-inspiring.
At check in the concierge advised us that our luggage had not yet arrived, but we weren’t worried, we were given a 3 day delivery, and after all, we’d shipped it 10 days ago.
How late could it be?
Our room was named the “ANN” room. The name was derived from the any clients named Ann that had stayed in it, some of which are, Ann Margaret, Ann Hathaway, Queen Ann, Anna Ivanovic, and Annette Benning.
Stevie Nicks had also stayed in this room but I guess she didn’t count. There was even a beautiful collage of these guests on a wall in the room.
The room was done in white and green and had every amenity you could ask for.
The balcony overlooked Sorrento and the Mediterranean Sea. It even had a huge hot tub and day bed. It could only be described was perfect!
Our first order of business was to connect to the internet in search of our luggage.
But first, let me say that the internet in Italy is only slightly faster than the American PONY EXPRESS. So we finally contacted Lugless, (who we selected to ship our luggage), and were told that we’d be contacted with an answer within the hour.
SURPRISE! DIDN’T HAPPEN!
After contacting Lugless 3 more times, we still had no response and decided to track it ourselves. Two hours into our search and at the end of my already thin attitude, we located our luggage in northern Italy. Our bags were in customs, who advised us that we could do nothing about it since LUGLESS was the shipper.
Of Course
Only through divine intervention did we finally have an internet signal. We advised LUGLESS of our luggage woes and were promised we’d have clothes the following morning.
Room service and a good nights’ sleep. All would be well tomorrow, we just knew it.
The next morning we went to breakfast in the Hotel. (Wearing a hand washed version of the same clothes!)
The dining room was the picture of eloquence. The beautiful colors, the stained glass windows, and the gold and redwood trim, all clued you in to the upcoming bill.
The service was beyond impeccable, the food was culinary perfection, and we met the Maitre’d, Mateo, who graciously took us under his wing.
There are very few things in life that I enjoy more than fresh-baked bread, and this was beyond wonderful, right up until I noticed something really hard as I was chewing. What was it you ask?
Well, it was one of the new caps my dentist had put on recently. Could it be anything else? I think not.
With breakfast behind us a trip to the front desk revealed, to our SURPRISE, that our luggage had not arrived. Imagine that!
So, after the concierge found the location of a nearby dentist, we called a cab and were on our way!
We were lucky in that the cabby, name Francisco, happened to be the nephew of BRUNO, our original cabby in Sorrento. He found our dentist immediately and I got right into the chair. Seven minutes, a drop of cement, and 100 euros later, we were on our way shopping, we had clothes to buy.
Sorrento is full of quaint little clothing shops full of colorful garments the Italians seem to treasure, so we chose one having a ½ off sale.
No matter where in the world we are, I’ve found that one particular thing never changes, shopping with my wife.
Example, this small clothing store was, at best, 600 square feet, but no matter, she always follows the number one rule of shopping. The size of the establishment matters little, but the time spent must always exceed the patience of your mate. And she’s very good at it.
No matter, we were on vacation and I’d almost developed what sane people call, an attitude. This of course couldn’t be sustained when, while checking out, we found that Celeste’s selections were ½ off just as advertised, mine however, were not.
No matter, when you’re a Robnett, 50/50 is a better than average outcome.
It was still early in the day, only 2:10 p.m. so we decided to have a nice lunch in the Piazza Tasso which is a famous plaza with open air restaurants and tourist attractions of every sort.
Upon finding a beautiful little cafe we seated ourselves and attacked the menu with a vengeance. It took 15 minutes for a waiter to come out and advise us that all businesses, including restaurants, closed from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. It’s hungry work being an Italian Robnett!.
Off we go, hunger pains in full bloom and camera in hand. Sorrento, here we come.
The architecture was fascinating, as was the history of the city. It truly is a beautiful place, kind of weird though, it seemed that no matter which way we walked, IT WAS UPHILL! Just what the doctor ordered.
After several hours of this we stumbled on to our cabbie, Francisco, who lovingly returned us to our hotel.
While in route, Francisco told us that his cab company offered a touring service to the Amalfi coast, which is the main reason for our trip in the first place.
We were told by the hotel concierge earlier that such a trip would cost around 300 euros for approximately 8 hours, which is quite expensive to a farmer from Arkansas. Francisco however, told us that he would charge us less than half that amount. So our tour would commence the following morning.
Things were definitely looking up for us. I just felt it. After a wonderful meal and delightful discussion with other tourist we returned to our room.
It wasn’t until we stepped onto our balcony that we discover the most amazing photographs of both Sorrento and the Isle of Capri, were available from our balcony. It was simply breath-taking.
We decided to turn in a little early and were excited about our morning tour, we were definitely on a roll.
RAIN! REALLY? No tour today. After lunch the sun came out, not surprisingly too late to tour the Amalfi coast or even Pompeii.
OF COURSE!
So, we determined that flexibility was the word of the day and decided to tour more of Sorrento in leu of the really neat shit we weren’t gonna get to see as planned. Returning to Piazza Tasso we had a wonderful lunch and more photo ops than time allowed. What a beautiful city.
Before leaving however, I noticed a small train, (no tracks just a motorized train replica), that offered tours the city.
Why not? We were the only ones on the tour, which frankly, suited us just fine.
After traveling no more than 100 feet, we turned to our right, which turned out to be a cobblestone street, in fact, from this point on, they were all cobblestone.
I think it must have been something akin to sitting on a trigger-happy JACKHAMMER.
Our train thing, it seems, had no shock absorbers or springs at all. What a surprise huh?
There was no way to take pictures until the train stopped which happened only twice during the whole tour. Once in what Americans would call, an ALLEY, and once next to an all-inclusive lemon grove.
Oh yes, and it was so therapeutic for my back. The train did however, have earpieces by which you could listen to an audio explaining each of the many sites of the tour. I was elated to find that this one SPOKE ENGLISH. Of course this audio sounded much like a Stuttering Chinese Disc Jockeys’ rendition of THE FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE!
Gee thanks!
Back to the Hotel! As we approached the front desk all three of the clerks began shaking their heads. NO LUGGAGE YET!
Once again we went to our room to log into the internet and contact our friends at LUGLESS. Well, guess what! The storm from the night before knocked out an already non-existent internet service, not that you could tell a hell-of-a-lot of difference frankly. It couldn’t be any other way, could it?
Our pre-tour breakfast was quite interesting. It began with a beautiful fruit plate and warm and wonderful croissants, it was delicious. If fact, all went well until Celeste decided a toasted croissant was desirable and set about making that happen.
As I waited, I notice smoke coming from the buffet, but only became alarmed when I saw Celeste running to the kitchen screaming “FIRE, FIRE”. As I approached, I saw a gentleman from Alabama sticking a metal knife into the, (STILL PLUGGED IN AND SMOKING) toaster, and trying to dislodge the croissant.
How in the world did those people win the National Championship! But, cooler heads prevailed and Mateo removed the toaster to the kitchen to free the once eatable croissant.
Mateo was so considerate though. He brought me the croissant on a beautiful pure silver CHAFING DISH and said, “See what your wife has lovingly prepared for you?” The croissant was a beautiful shade of charcoal black that I’d never seen food assume before.
I expressed my gratitude and said, “There’s just nothing like home cooking”, at which time he busted out laughing. It was the only time I ever saw the man lose his composure.
After breakfast we decided to inquire about our luggage once again. Even before we’d even gotten off the elevator, the desk clerk saw us coming and simply said, “NO”.
A beautiful morning for our Amalfi Coast tour. This time however our drivers’ name is Antonio. He is Bruno’s son and I must say, he either knew what he was talking about, or was a world-class bullshitter. Either way, this was a wonderful tour.
Though the highway was much like a game trail and actually cut in the side of the mountain, Antonio was up to the task.
The fact that it was a sheer drop of 2000 feet never entered our minds; after all, we’re ROBNETT’S! What’s the worst that can happen.
There is a reason most of the cars over here are no bigger than wind-up toys. The streets and highways are so narrow that nothing else fits.
When you’re 2000 feet up and meeting Greyhound tour buses at every turn, the fact that we’re Robnett’s gave less and less comfort.
The scenery was simply breathtaking. We stopped at 5 coastal towns and took a multitude of beautiful pictures. In the town of Amalfi I had single most fantastic meal I’ve had in my entire life.
While walking the narrow streets we happened to pass a small cafe from which a young Italian man invited us to sit. It did smell scrumptious, making sitting a better than average idea, at least for the lion fight happening in my stomach.
The problem with ordering Italian food is much the same as with Chinese food. There is way too much crap on the menu that you can’t even pronounce, much less order. I simply did what I usually do and ask the guy what is best?
The young man smiled, went inside, and returned shortly with a short older lady that he introduced as Mamma. All she said was, “you want best, I fix for you”. AND, BELIEVE ME, SHE DID.
Amalfi is simply gorgeous and the Amalfi Cathedral was the most stunning site on the coast.
The tour lasted approximately 7 hours and was without doubt the highlight of our trip.
While returning to the hotel Antonio offered to drive us to Naples the next day for only 80 euros which was less than half of the normal fair.
This was a very hard decision since we would miss the pleasure of another railway experience. We did however accept.
We arrived back at our hotel and simply waved at the clerks as we walked through. They, in turn, only shook their heads in assurance that we still had no luggage. Maybe tomorrow.
After a wonderful dinner ordered by Mateo in honor of our last evening, we retired to our room for a restful night.
Breakfast began with Mateo casually asking if we’d be needing anything from toaster this morning. To his relief we politely said no and thanked him.
That done we retrieved our belonging, few as they were, and proceeded to check out.
Not Quite.
After our bill was accumulated I handed the clerk my card and began to carry our few belonging to the cab. We were pleasantly surprised to see that Bruno would be our driver.
When I returned to the desk however I was informed that my card did not work. Thinking this was impossible I asked that he try again. Same result. Keep in mind that this is the same card we’d used the whole trip.
I then produced a second card, one that I hardly ever use. Same result.
We decided to call the bank in Stuttgart to find out what was going on and clear this up. Only problem, it was 2 a.m. in Stuttgart. NOBODY HOME!
We then decided to call the second credit cards’ company customer help line only to find that office hours were from 9 a.m. until 4 p.m. It was only 1 a.m. there. What did I learn from this lesson? TIME ZONES SUCK!
Celeste then called her credit union and got most of the balance. But not all of it!
So I stayed with the clothes (such as they were) while Bruno took Celeste to a bank in Sorrento. Success finally! We now only owed the hotel 83 euros which they said we could mail to them.
We’re finally on our way to Naples and after paying Bruno for the trip we entered the railway station for our return trip to Rome.
This time however we chose to take a faster train. It was somewhat nicer and we were seated in a berth with only 1 person, a very nice young Italian man.
About halfway through our trip a young woman stopped at our berth to beg for money. She handed me a small sheet of paper and walked away. The note was in English and told of her horrible poverty and of the terrible life her children had.
At first I contemplated giving here some money, but after our recent difficulties decided to hold on to what I had. So I crumpled up the note and put it in the seat. The young Italian man looked at me and shook his head in agreement.
A few minutes later she returned and demanded money, at which time Celeste told her, “We cannot, we are short of money also”. This angered her and she blurted out something akin to a 4 letter word in English.
The young Italian man came to our rescue and shouted several things beyond translation. The woman then turned to me, shouted something and finally pointed at the papers she had been passing out. Assuming she wanted it back I reached over in the seat and gave it back to her. (Still in its crumpled state.) She then threw it at me and left.
No matter, believe me, I’ve had worse things thrown at me.
With her gone the young Italian man stretched out and went to sleep. Maybe the rest of the trip would be better.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
As Celeste and I talked and began to relax we noticed a terrible smell. After a few minutes however, it subsided and we continued our conversation. Shortly thereafter we again noticed this smell. Believe me, this was a breathtaking stench from hell.
I decided to go to the restroom and noticed that as soon as I stepped outside the berth, the odor was no longer present. When I returned, Celeste went to the restroom and as I sat there the source of the odor became apparent.
As the Italian man turned over in his sleep he emitted a sound very much like a woodpecker on steroids. The stench immediately took my breath. As I fought for oxygen I couldn’t help but think that whatever he’d eaten was not meant to be consumed by mankind. MYSTERY SOLVED!
Upon arrival in Rome the first thing we did was find a taxi and return to our original hotel. We told the desk clerk of the problem with our card and requested her to attempt to pay for the night’s lodging and dinner before we checked in.
The card went through unobstructed. Finally, a good thing!
After checking in we went to our room to rest and prepare for dinner.
Celeste attempted to connect to the internet to check on the luggage we never received.
You can imagine our surprise to find the internet was not working. Horse shortage I guess!
There is good news however, Winfred, our friend from Ghana, was once again seated next to me, (at his request), and we had another delightful conversation during our meal.
I was proud to see that he was still on a human-free diet and seemed none the worse for it. Though he did seem overly attentive to some of the younger people at that table, it was probably just my overactive imagination though.
3-8-12
The next morning we once again took a cab to the airport. Physically, our driver very much reminded me Cheech Marin, of Cheech & Chong fame. His driving practices however was more like Mario Andretti.This guy understood the concept of speed.
We went through airport security with little trouble other than the metal detector, which seemed to form an attachment to me. I’m quite sure that both “Mr. T” and the “Tin Man” could have skipped through hand in hand with less trouble than I had. No matter, we’re going home.
Once again we immediately upgraded to first class which made the (10 ½ hour) flight less excruciating. The service was impeccable and as we were seated a flight attendant handed me a USA Today paper to read.
After seeing the front page however, my will to read further abandoned me. The headline read, “Massive Solar Flair to Hit Earth Today”. Reading further it stated that “aircraft in the southeastern United States could be adversely affected”, and seemed to be centered around Atlanta, OUR DESTINATION. But of course you knew that, didn’t you?
While en route the pilot provided us with a real treat. The flight attendants, (knowing Celeste was a Delta Flight Attendant) came and told us to look out our window in a few moments and we’d get to see the capsized Italian cruise ship Costa Contortia.
As we got closer the captain banked the aircraft wing down so far that even though I was in the second seat from the window, I had a clear view of the ship.
Even at 35,000 feet, that was a HUGE ship. At least they didn’t go down from a SOLAR FLARE I mused.
I was amazed that none of the other 300 passengers even noticed that the aircraft had banked so far over.
I’m pretty sure they weren’t too concerned about the Solar Flare alert either.
Arriving in Atlanta we immediately hurried to customs where we were 2 of only 1,000 people in line, and, it seems, the only ones whose first language was English.
No problem, we ran to get in a line with only a few people in it. What luck! As people were cleared the lady directly in front of us stepped forward, it was only then we discovered that she spoke no language known to man.
Immediately the customs agent called for an interpreter and after a brief time (only 30 minutes) a lady arrived to translate.
Although they spit gibberish at each other for 10 minutes and the lady was cleared, I am quite positive that neither understood a word the other was saying the whole time. They really should provide those interpreters with rain coats, given the way some of these people spray when they talk.
Only one more flight home!
After a short 2 hour wait we boarded a small aircraft that the Wright Brothers would have laughed at. I was lucky enough to be seated in the first row next to a window.
This would have been fine had the lady next to me not spilled over and taken half of my seat. After 1 ½ hours of being pasted to the window and losing consciousness on several occasions as she shifted positions, we were home.
As the plane rolled to a stop at the gate my lady friend got up (BOTH OF HER) and cleared the way for me to deplane. I couldn’t wait to head for Casscoe.
It was almost surreal as we arrived at our home. With jet lag beginning to take effect and fatigue touching every part of my being it all seemed like a dream UNTIL,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I turned on the Television.
There in front of my very eyes, was indisputable evidence, that we were back in the USA, The Greatest Country on Earth…
A MARRIED WITH CHILDREN TELETHON!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!